Month: October 2018

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Susie Sunshine

Posted on by Susannah Warner

I’m kind of in a ranty mood this morning, so maybe you want to stop right here….still reading? OK, don’t say I didn’t warn you!

So, I guess I woke up on the “wrong side of the bed.” I don’t know why; it is raining out, so it could be that I suppose, or the fact that the wind is blowing the few remaining colorful leaves off the trees, and with it, the last vestiges of our glorious Maine summer, while ushering in Old Man winter. We had snow squalls yesterday, and while snow before Halloween in Maine is not unheard of, it’s always jarring when it occurs, because wasn’t it just last week, my husband and I were traipsing through the woods–coat less, hat less, and happy? Yeah, actually that was last week! Now, here I sit, typing away, right next to a roaring fire in my wood stove, warm and toasty on one side of my body and freezing on the other, or at least until I turn my chair.

I have a lot to be thankful for, and not much to complain about, except for my little list of first-world problems…Like, I’m out of my favorite creamer AND dish washer detergent AND toilet paper in the downstairs bathroom, which necessitates a trip to Wal-Mart, which means I’ll have to take a shower, and get dressed ON MY DAY OFF. While there, I’ll no doubt see people I know, since I live in small-town USA, and since I have a happy smiley face on all day at work, I don’t feel like having one ON MY DAY OFF, so, I’ll be forced to duck my head, and spin my cart around, so that I don’t have to make nice chit-chat about the weather and the Red Sox. I’m pretty sure I’ll walk out of there, 150 bucks poorer, and wonder how in the world I spent that much on three items?!? When I get home, I’ll realize that I should have thrown away all the healthy food I bought one sunshiny day last week when I was in an optimistic mood, to make room for all the junk I bought this week, because it is raining and my intake might as well match my salty mood. The junk food will remind me that I should have gone to the gym because I won’t be able to squeeze in a guilt-walk today, since it is pouring, and then, shrugging and giving up completely, I’ll put my sweatpants back on, open a fresh bag of Cheetos and throw myself on the couch for a few episodes of Shameless, which btw, is aptly named for the show itself, as well as for those of us who binge on it.

Oh shoot, I also have to have a mammogram today, ( I’m aware that is unnecessary information, but, you were forewarned!), AND  blood work for which I am supposed to fast for, but already ruined with a thick slab of banana bread. All this, coupled with the knowledge that my work friends and I, who collectively just blew a lot of money on this first-world foolishness, DID NOT win Mega Millions and will in fact be returning to work, was just all too much this morning. The knowledge that before last week, I had never bought a lottery ticket in my life, AND the useless trivia cluttering up my brain, that 44% of lottery winners go broke within five years notwithstanding, I had already lived out my philanthropist dreams of “making it rain” in a crowded grocery store, and the acquisition of a writer’s paradise in the form of a private island, several times over in my head.

I’m aware of how I sound; like a spoiled, surly Susie. Fortunately for my husband, this is an anomaly rather than the norm. He, who is a night owl, set his alarm last night to give himself a few extra minutes to share coffee with the sweet girl he kissed on the forehead last night, only to blink in surprise at this stranger sitting across from him, a messy bun on her head, furrowed brow on her face, with grievances to air, and a pot to stir. He wisely made a hasty exit, a marriage hack he’s learned over several decades and employs when the need arises. He knows that if I’m feeling cranky, it’s a bit like the embers in our wood stove, slowing burning. He could choose to feed it, and crank it up, or let it slowly die on its own, which it always does when there is no fuel.

Finding no material here, yet still itching for a fight, I turned to Facebook, and quickly typed out a snarky comment to a poor unsuspecting soul who had posted some innocent meme about raising kids, then mentally smacked myself just in time before I hit post, erased it all, and sat down to blog out my annoyances instead. So, here I am; no Susie sunshinesque life lessons to impart, marriage advice to give, or cutesy photos of us rambling through the Maine woods or smiling broadly from a mountaintop. These things are not fake, they really do make up about 90% of my life, but sometimes I’m not into it. One Facebook friend aptly posted as he headed to work outside in the raw, gray drizzle, “I’m just not feeling it today,” and I almost reacted with “love” because I’m not feeling it either, but decided against it because I wasn’t sure if that would look like I was happy that he was suffering, or the virtual fist bump of solidarity that I had intended.

Sometimes though, misery really does love company, which is why I love my work friends so much, and our coffee breaks. A few minutes of airing our grievances to each other, and we all come out of the break room with our frowns turned upside down, feeling heard and justified. This is also why I will always gladly enter into our little office pools, partly because….well, FOMO, but also because I actually would have something to cry about (oh wow, that just brought up memories from my childhood!), if they were all gone and I didn’t have anyone to commiserate with.

I’m actually feeling better now! My mood has lifted as I’ve typed away my irritations. I feel more like myself! Who cares about Wal-Mart trips and mammograms and rainy days. And who cares that I didn’t win, I have blessings to count and I’d rather count them, than just money any day. Susie Sunshine has returned!

Update: I’m back from my errands and I actually spent 153.96 on God knows what, my mammogram doubly sucked because the radiologist was not satisfied with the first set of images so we had to do it again, and the cold northwest wind was enough to make me decide against my walk, but not enough that I don’t feel guilty about it. BUT…wine (not whine!)! That’s it. The end.

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Driving Blind

Posted on by Susannah Warner

Once I dreamed it was black as night, I could see neither left, nor right

I was driving, although I could not see, the road right in front of me.

I was not afraid until I became aware, that FEAR had dropped out of thin air.

“What am I doing!?!” I shouted in fright, because driving blind is obviously not right.

“I’ll crash, I’ll hurt someone, or myself!” Panicking, I looked around for help.

“Here, I’ve got this,” he said with a smile, “slide over, let me drive for a while.”

I didn’t move, so he sat on my lap, he moved as gracefully as a cat.

“Let me take the wheel, my dear, I’ll soon have us out of here.”

I almost listened, he seemed so sure, besides I didn’t know how to steer anymore,

because it’s impossible to fight that fight, when you don’t know if you should go left or right.

I lifted my hands to let him steer, and that is when I recognized Fear.

“Wait a minute! I know who you are! Get the F@#$ out of my car!”

His time was up and he knew it, once again he knew he blew it.

“I’ll get out, but you’ll see, you can’t continue without me.”

He slunk away, with threats to come back, but I knew I’d know him by the way he attacks.

Alone again, I still couldn’t see, but a new thought bubbled up out of me.

“I’m doing it!” I thought, “I’ve been doing it the whole time, I’m still on the road, I’m doing just fine!!

All I have to do is keep going, even though no path is showing.

It doesn’t matter that I can’t see, in fact that’s what has set me free.

If I am blind and yet can still move, God is in control, and that is the proof!”

He heard my cry and didn’t let me crash, kept me from scary teeth that nash.

And like a Good Father, He let me drive, so that I could learn, and grow to be wise.

And if again I’m blinded by fear, I’ll never doubt that it is HE who steers.

 

Joshua 1:9

 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”

 

 

 

 

 

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Perfect

Posted on by Susannah Warner

“Nah, I don’t really want to go now,  I have a lot of things to do at home, and I know you have a lot of work to do too,” I said to my husband, as we sipped our morning coffee together, side by side on the deck. “Besides, when we talked about it last night, the forecast was for full sun, and now there are tons of clouds in the sky.” We were discussing plans for the day, a conversation we’d had the night before, when we’d talked about “leaf peeping,” an autumn activity so popular in Northern New England, that tourists come from around the country, and some even come from around the world to see the fall foliage in all its glorious splendor. Some people make reservations months in advance, and spend hundreds, if not thousands of dollars to witness Maine’s grand finale. Yet, here I sat, with a sour look on my face because, now the weather wasn’t perfect. In addition, I was actually in a cleaning mood, and didn’t want to be interrupted, because that mood is fleeting and I’ve found it wise to harness that sucker and ride it while it lasts, or else I’d never clean out a closet, wash a window or dust.

He was quiet for a minute as we both looked over the railing to our overgrown field, the morning dew sparkling on the amber birch leaves, while the sun ignited the reds of the maples in the background. “I guess you’re right, ” he said, squinting in my direction, I should finish painting, and go to the dump.” His smile disappeared, like the sun at that very moment, as it hid itself behind a cloud. I thought of how little he asks of me, and the unavoidable guilt I’d feel by getting my own way and breaking the plans we’d made, so I relented. “Ok, fine, let’s go. I’ll go get ready, ” I sighed, getting up reluctantly and going inside.  I threw some jeans on over my yoga pants, put a hat on my head, grabbed a sweatshirt and a water bottle, and I was ready.

Off we went, into the mountains of Maine. He chattered like a magpie, while I looked out of the passenger side window, answering questions, and offering  one word answers, but I didn’t participate much at first in the way of conversation, partly because I’d left my enthusiasm for the day back with the mop, and partly because the clouds were like a wet blanket on my shoulders. This seemed like a waste of time, when we wouldn’t be able to see the vividness of the changing leaves against the clouds as well as we would against a bright blue sky. I knew I was being ridiculous–that I’m blessed to live in Vacationland, where beauty is literally out my back door, and that I have a husband who loves nature even more than I do, and even better, that he loves nothing better than to share the beauty of the earth with me–but, you know how it is, sometimes when you let yourself get into a funk, it’s hard to pull yourself out, and the fact that you know you’re being ridiculous, makes it even worse. For me, this kind of mood is only improved by one thing, and that is to not only think outside the box, but to literally get out of the box, and into some fresh air.

It is so easy to limit our minds and our lives to the four walls we live and work in. We live in a box, we sleep in a box, most of us work in a box; and so, our minds and our passions can sometimes be limited to what we can control. I can turn on the light if it’s too dim, turn up the heat if it’s too cold, the AC if it’s too hot, and turn on the TV if I’m bored. I live in a controlled environment, but nature will not be controlled, which can be  exciting, disconcerting, but oh, so beautiful. My husband knows this, and sometimes I know it too.

“Ohhh look!” I said suddenly, as we sailed past an overlook. Braking quickly, we turned into a horseshoe-shaped turn with one of the most fabulous views I’ve ever seen. Silently, we got out of the car and looked at the artistry before us. Colors, as far as our eyes could see; brilliant reds, oranges and yellows, set against a backdrop of green pines, “a bouquet from God,” my husband said, and I had to agree. Beyond the trees, a lake framed by mountains in the distance, some as far away as Vermont and Canada, with a flamboyant carpet cover, the whole effect as dramatic, yet dazzling as a fireworks display. Above it all, a layer of clouds adorned the top, the striations adding to the scene, not taking away from it.  My mood lifted like the breeze, as I silently thanked God for his handiwork and my husband for helping me to appreciate it. Why should I wait until the conditions are perfect to enjoy what is before me? I’d be waiting a lifetime, for there is no perfect on this earth; not in our lives, our homes, or even in nature, it’s all in how we choose to see things.

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Try

Posted on by Susannah Warner

There’s a saying that my nephew and I both particularly despise, we discovered one boozy, confession laden, rainy afternoon when he was in Maine for a visit. Actually, I’m sure we are not the only ones who dislike it. It goes something like, “shoot for the moon, even if you miss, you’ll end up among the stars.” Its one of those cliches that seems so smarmy that it’s embarrassing in its cheesiness. It gives me an internal squirm, every time I hear it, as well as other disingenuous quotes like it. The kinds of quotes, plastered on the walls of a high school guidance counselor’s office, or a family planning facility, anywhere that there are cement walls painted a hopeless color of greige. You know, the gag-worthy ones with the kitten dangling from a tree limb, “hang in there” emblazoned across the poor things chest, or the rainbow with the oily commandment to “look through the rain to see the rainbow.” For awhile, my nephew and I would text them to each other and groan at the ridiculousness, until I looked at Pinterest quotes so often, I started stumbling on ones that I actually love; advice from Tolstoy, The Bible, Hemingway and Fitzgerald. I never really expected to identify with a cliche, although admittedly, it’s a cliche for a reason, nor did I expect to gain inspiration from another lazy, rainy afternoon at home.

Today, my husband and I found ourselves at odds; I had a day off from work, and no grandmother obligations to fulfill, and he could not do the work he needed to do outside because it was too wet. Thus, we did something we never do; we watched a movie in the daytime together, and without a shred of guilt. The movie I picked, was “The Glass Castle.” I’ve read the book, and I had already seen the movie with my mother, and both times, I thought to myself, that my husband’s formative years, would make an excellent memoir, similar in it’s dysfunction to that story, which is why I’d thought he might like the movie, and he did. To me, it was as touching as before, but this time I found myself struggling not to cry, my throat aching and tears welling up in my eyes, not so much because of the story, but because of the message I’d missed before. The message to me today was clear; try, just try.

I’m not much of a trier. I prefer to be good at things right away, and then I like to stick with them. This is why I’ve worked in the same place for 30 years, I’ve lived in my home for 19 years, and I have been married to the same man for 27. There’s nothing wrong with sticking with something, and I’m certainly not about to change any of the things that I’m already committed to. But, I’m feeling like I should try out something new, good at it or not. I’ve been plugging away at my little blog for a year and a half now, and this has been a good opportunity to try something I’ve loved to do since I was little, even though I have no idea if I’m good at it or not, it’s just something I need to do, I have to get out. I’m really not sure if it’s a mid-life crisis thing or not, but lately I’ve been dissatisfied with just getting by, which has pretty much been my life’s motto, especially where academia was concerned. I’m feeling like I want to stretch a little, out of the comfy little corner I’ve painted myself into. Oh, I still want my job, my house and especially my husband, family and friends in that corner, but I’m wondering if there just might be a little more out there for me. I think it might be called growing pains, although I’m not sure if that’s what it is, or if it’s actually a calling of some sort.

I’ve always admired people who just jump in and try new things, I’ve never felt comfortable doing that, because if I did try and failed, it would feel like a weakness, which is curious that I would feel that way, because I’ve never felt that way about other people who try something and it doesn’t work out. I’ve always studied the way someone handles defeat; whether they shrug their shoulders like, “oh well, at least I tried,” or did they wipe away furious tears because they wanted it so badly and set their faces to try again. I’ve always appreciated both attitudes, one for its easygoingness and one for its grit and determination. It funny to think that what I admire in others, I think of as a weakness for myself. Or, at least I used to.

I think that at this point in my life, I’m ready to try some new things. I’ve realized lately that life is too short to not follow your dreams. I may fail, I might not get very far, I might shrug and say “oh well,” or I might be determined to try again, but at the end of my life, I won’t wonder what could have been if I had been brave enough to just try. I don’t know if I will get to the moon, but at least I know, I’ll land among the stars….I’m sorry Matt! I just had to end it that way! I hope you all have inspirational music in your heads right now too. Also, if you do, please picture me walking into the sunset with my hands raised triumphantly, as the credits roll. Thank you, and thanks for reading. Please stay tuned.