I’m kind of in a ranty mood this morning, so maybe you want to stop right here….still reading? OK, don’t say I didn’t warn you!
So, I guess I woke up on the “wrong side of the bed.” I don’t know why; it is raining out, so it could be that I suppose, or the fact that the wind is blowing the few remaining colorful leaves off the trees, and with it, the last vestiges of our glorious Maine summer, while ushering in Old Man winter. We had snow squalls yesterday, and while snow before Halloween in Maine is not unheard of, it’s always jarring when it occurs, because wasn’t it just last week, my husband and I were traipsing through the woods–coat less, hat less, and happy? Yeah, actually that was last week! Now, here I sit, typing away, right next to a roaring fire in my wood stove, warm and toasty on one side of my body and freezing on the other, or at least until I turn my chair.
I have a lot to be thankful for, and not much to complain about, except for my little list of first-world problems…Like, I’m out of my favorite creamer AND dish washer detergent AND toilet paper in the downstairs bathroom, which necessitates a trip to Wal-Mart, which means I’ll have to take a shower, and get dressed ON MY DAY OFF. While there, I’ll no doubt see people I know, since I live in small-town USA, and since I have a happy smiley face on all day at work, I don’t feel like having one ON MY DAY OFF, so, I’ll be forced to duck my head, and spin my cart around, so that I don’t have to make nice chit-chat about the weather and the Red Sox. I’m pretty sure I’ll walk out of there, 150 bucks poorer, and wonder how in the world I spent that much on three items?!? When I get home, I’ll realize that I should have thrown away all the healthy food I bought one sunshiny day last week when I was in an optimistic mood, to make room for all the junk I bought this week, because it is raining and my intake might as well match my salty mood. The junk food will remind me that I should have gone to the gym because I won’t be able to squeeze in a guilt-walk today, since it is pouring, and then, shrugging and giving up completely, I’ll put my sweatpants back on, open a fresh bag of Cheetos and throw myself on the couch for a few episodes of Shameless, which btw, is aptly named for the show itself, as well as for those of us who binge on it.
Oh shoot, I also have to have a mammogram today, ( I’m aware that is unnecessary information, but, you were forewarned!), AND blood work for which I am supposed to fast for, but already ruined with a thick slab of banana bread. All this, coupled with the knowledge that my work friends and I, who collectively just blew a lot of money on this first-world foolishness, DID NOT win Mega Millions and will in fact be returning to work, was just all too much this morning. The knowledge that before last week, I had never bought a lottery ticket in my life, AND the useless trivia cluttering up my brain, that 44% of lottery winners go broke within five years notwithstanding, I had already lived out my philanthropist dreams of “making it rain” in a crowded grocery store, and the acquisition of a writer’s paradise in the form of a private island, several times over in my head.
I’m aware of how I sound; like a spoiled, surly Susie. Fortunately for my husband, this is an anomaly rather than the norm. He, who is a night owl, set his alarm last night to give himself a few extra minutes to share coffee with the sweet girl he kissed on the forehead last night, only to blink in surprise at this stranger sitting across from him, a messy bun on her head, furrowed brow on her face, with grievances to air, and a pot to stir. He wisely made a hasty exit, a marriage hack he’s learned over several decades and employs when the need arises. He knows that if I’m feeling cranky, it’s a bit like the embers in our wood stove, slowing burning. He could choose to feed it, and crank it up, or let it slowly die on its own, which it always does when there is no fuel.
Finding no material here, yet still itching for a fight, I turned to Facebook, and quickly typed out a snarky comment to a poor unsuspecting soul who had posted some innocent meme about raising kids, then mentally smacked myself just in time before I hit post, erased it all, and sat down to blog out my annoyances instead. So, here I am; no Susie sunshinesque life lessons to impart, marriage advice to give, or cutesy photos of us rambling through the Maine woods or smiling broadly from a mountaintop. These things are not fake, they really do make up about 90% of my life, but sometimes I’m not into it. One Facebook friend aptly posted as he headed to work outside in the raw, gray drizzle, “I’m just not feeling it today,” and I almost reacted with “love” because I’m not feeling it either, but decided against it because I wasn’t sure if that would look like I was happy that he was suffering, or the virtual fist bump of solidarity that I had intended.
Sometimes though, misery really does love company, which is why I love my work friends so much, and our coffee breaks. A few minutes of airing our grievances to each other, and we all come out of the break room with our frowns turned upside down, feeling heard and justified. This is also why I will always gladly enter into our little office pools, partly because….well, FOMO, but also because I actually would have something to cry about (oh wow, that just brought up memories from my childhood!), if they were all gone and I didn’t have anyone to commiserate with.
I’m actually feeling better now! My mood has lifted as I’ve typed away my irritations. I feel more like myself! Who cares about Wal-Mart trips and mammograms and rainy days. And who cares that I didn’t win, I have blessings to count and I’d rather count them, than just money any day. Susie Sunshine has returned!
Update: I’m back from my errands and I actually spent 153.96 on God knows what, my mammogram doubly sucked because the radiologist was not satisfied with the first set of images so we had to do it again, and the cold northwest wind was enough to make me decide against my walk, but not enough that I don’t feel guilty about it. BUT…wine (not whine!)! That’s it. The end.
