I know, that title is rude and presumptuous and kind of know-it-allish. After all, I’m not a Child psychologist (although I did take psych 101 and developmental psych in nursing school soooo, there’s that…), a teacher or an expert of any kind. What I am, is a mom of adult children and since the saying goes, “Hindsight is 20/20”, I have a pretty clear vision on the subject. At least I do now, I certainly didn’t then and God forbid I ever find myself in the position to have to raise another one, I would surely revert back to legally blind status.
It’s just that when you are in the throes of child rearing, the tantrums, the homework, the last-minute projects they “forgot” to tell you about, the sleepless nights and harried mornings, it’s all you can do to keep your head above water. Any unexpected event, a feverish child for instance, Now what? You can’t stay home from work today. Daycare provider is calling it quits, effective in two weeks? NOOOO! Suddenly, you are no longer treading water, you are starting to go under, grabbing on to anyone you can, a spouse, your mom, a friend to help.
And so, when the workweek is over and the worries are few, at least for a couple of days, it feels good to take the kids to the movies or the zoo or the playground, They are having fun, you are doing what you feel parents should do and all is well. This where I see you. I am here, at the playground too, with my granddaughter while her mother is at work. You look tired, overburdened. You are carrying a coffee, a phone, an oversize designer bag on your arm and your child’s jacket that he has tossed off because he thinks it has hindered his ability to run fast. You catch him as he runs by and this is what I hear you say, “Hunter, let’s put your coat on OK?” Hunter shrugs free and off he goes like a blue blur, not concerned at all that it is 50 degrees out and his little arms are bare. But you are. You chase after him with the jacket, he runs away, faster than ever without his coat.
Now, that’s all I can hear, parents everywhere, asking for it to be OK. “Brayden, we can only stay for a few minutes, OK?” Brayden gives no response and takes off as fast as Hunter, who still does not have his coat on. “Ainsley, I said come here right now, OK? It’s time to go!” one mother call ineffectually for her daughter while Ainsley is busy chasing both boys, having no intentions of leaving right now. Another woman leans over to give her daughter a kiss, “have fun, I love you, okaaaay?” I can see and hear all this because my attention does not have to be on my granddaughter, Bean at all times, since her grandfather is with her. She is attempting to cross the monkey bars, hand over hand, while she swings her feet, clad in bright pink “puddle boots” to propel her, Papa is standing below her with a smile on his face, ever ready to catch her if she slips.
I know that it is different for grandparents, we have our little blessing for such a short time that we often let her set the schedule. We play until she is actually ready to do something else and says so, or until it is time to bring her home to her Mama, sweaty, dirty and tired. Hardly anything is off-limits and we rarely have to set them. That is why being a grandparent is so great, all of the fun, none of the culpability.
But you mom, wear a heavy mantle of responsibility, I can see it and I remember what it felt like. Let me make your job a little easier for you. Don’t worry about pleasing the kids all the time. They please themselves., it is their job, not yours. Don’t try to make sure every direction you give them is well received, it wont be. Don’t bargain, wheedle and plead and end every request or declaration of love with “OK”. Give them a clear directive, count to five if you have to, and if they still wont listen to you, or do what you ask, go get your Brayden or your Ainsley and take them home. They will kick and scream. yes. The other moms will look at you, true, but they wont be thinking what you think they are thinking. And the grandparents? They will silently cheer you on for your bravery and for your foresight. I will even carry your coffee and designer bag so that you can hold on for dear life to your backbending, squealing Brayden. It will suck, and you will wonder why every “fun” time seems to end in tears and why do you even bother. But, you will do this because, 10 years and a few sleeps from now, Brayden will be a lanky teen, with long hair and a short attention span. He will duck past you as you are making dinner and say, “Bye mom, Hunter and I are hanging out, he just got his licence and his dad said he can use the car.” You will turn to him and say ” Be home by 11 and text me if you are going to be late and if anyone is drinking, you, or Hunter or anyone else, call me and I will come and get you, no questions asked. ” He will have one foot out the door, his face turned to the road while you speak, but he will look you in the eye for one moment and say “OK.” and his OK, will carry all the weight that it should.
